Only Darkness

I had a dream last night where I was trying to get to ASU Gammage, the well-known theatrical venue in Tempe. I can't remember if I was seeing a show there, or working on a show. But either way, I had to get there and was running late as usual.

I was driving at night, and turned onto a road where I was immediately blinded by thick darkness. I could barely make out Gammage in the distance. I tried turning my brights on, but the darkness just absorbed every ounce of light. I had no choice but to drive blind.

I feel like this is the perfect metaphor for my life right now. If you label Gammage as my career goals in the arts and the drive as my journey to them, it all makes perfect sense. I thought I had a well-lit path, but I no longer do. It's only thick, frightening darkness with a barely discernible end in sight, far away in the distance. And right now, I am failing miserably at navigating my way through and have no idea what to do.

Yes I Am!

Even though I know that people not liking me is simply an inevitable part of life, I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that someone out there hates every part of my existence. And for such a fucking stupid reason that could've easily been resolved had it not been so wildly blown out of proportion.

I can't help thinking about him and it's driving me crazy. There's this episode of Scrubs where JD has a girl on his mind, and Turk calls him out on it. JD denies that he's thinking of her, but then we go into his daydream and he's imagining her jumping on his back saying, "YES I AM!" (I wish I could find a clip of it on YouTube, buuut I couldn't. Sighh.) But anyway...That's how it feels. I deny that he's on my mind, and then it's like he's jumping on my back screaming, "YES I AM!"

He's always....there. Jumping on my back, walking past me on campus, sitting near me. I wish he would stop haunting me.

Maybe if he didn't hate me so much this all would be easier.

Moving On

I don't hate you.

 Maybe this further solidifies my status as a weak person. Maybe I SHOULD hate you. But no matter how hard I try, I just don't. You've made me angry and sad and heartbroken, yes. But when I think of you I don't feel the burning hatred that you seem to feel for me. I only feel gratitude for the good times, and both sadness and relief that it's over.

You should feel ashamed for feeling this way.
You should feel ashamed that instead of fighting for me and working through the problems, you chose to cut me off and bolt when things got difficult.

But despite it all, I still don't hate you and never will.

So enough now. I'm done. I'm moving on and letting you go, and it's time for you to do the same.

Currently...

WATCHING: I've been indulging in older episodes of Grey's Anatomy, the good ones from before the show massively jumped the shark. Hopefully it'll get me in the mood to actually finish the last two seasons, even though it's often so bad that it's getting painful to watch.

LISTENING TO: "The Nest," by Jherek Bischoff f/Mirah Zeitlyn. On repeat. I'm considering it as music for my submission solo. It's so creepy and beautiful! Also lots of Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson, but I kind of overdosed a little on it to pep myself up for auditions and haven't listened to it since Monday. (Oh yeah, did I mention on here that I had two auditions on Sunday, one of which was for the previously mentioned musical?)

PLANNING: Strategies to get through the rest of the semester. My attendance has turned a bit erratic, and I need to get back on track. Maybe hanging up post-it notes that say GRADUATION!!!!!! on them will motivate me to get my ass in gear?

THINKING ABOUT: How I've gone through great emotional lengths to let things go, while others are still acting like children. Getting a new job or moving to a different location. I've also been choreographing a lot in my head, and am looking forward to getting into the studio this week to get it all out.

READING: I'm in that in-between books phase that drives me crazy. I've started a couple different books but haven't really felt very attached to any of them. Maybe I'll just dive into another Gillian Flynn novel, even though Gone Girl was overwhelmingly intense? I'm also plodding along in a fascinating book for one of my classes about neuroplasticity (the brain's ability to remodel) called The Brain That Changes Itself. Pretty cool stuff.

MAKING ME HAPPY: Pancakes. (And the fact that the hostess and half the waitstaff at my favorite breakfast place all know me by name!) Getting positive feedback on one of my auditions. Preparing to audition for Chicks With Dicks at Stray Cat Theater in Tempe--I've got a fantastic outfit planned! Feeling like part of a community. And as usual, my modern teacher's fucking incredible choreography...as well as my ability to actually do it WELL.

Closure

I had written a letter to him earlier this week. Today I edited it and handwrote it out; it covered six pages. Everything that went unsaid. A final goodbye.

Tonight I delivered it to him.

Then I drove to our usual hang out by myself, had a glass of cabernet sauvignon, and said goodbye to him in my heart.

Our friendship is over.
I know it's best for us in the long run, but right now my heart is broken.

I'll love you forever.
Goodbye.

Equus and Paralyzing Fear

I went to see the play Equus last night, put on by Nearly Naked Theatre in Phoenix.

(For those of you who don't remember, Equus is the play that Daniel Radcliffe performed in a few years back and everyone flipped out because his role required full-frontal nudity. And holy hell, full-frontal nudity there is! Both male and female.)

The show was phenomenal. It was long, but fascinating and deliciously cerebral. The story is a strange one, about a boy who randomly blinds six horses with a metal spike and the psychiatrist who takes on his case. But it delves into so many topics with abandon; religion, sexuality, psychology, family, emotional development...I was rapt.

Even though I haven't been active in some time, I still keep a close eye on the goings-on in the local theater scene here in Phoenix. Awhile back, I saw an audition notice for Equus. They had already cast the main roles, but were looking for actors/dancers to play the six horses. I immediately got the shivers. I wanted to do it so badly. I had every reason to: I'm a dancer, so the movement wouldn't be difficult for me. My favorite step in ballet is the pas de cheval, which translates to "step of the horse." I've even played a horse before in a musical called Man of La Mancha a few years back (and fucking rocked if I do say so myself). And yet, something kept me from sending in my headshot and resume. I had some concrete personal reasons...I don't have loads of time/energy to spare so rehearsing and performing may have been difficult on top of school/work, I was shy about wearing the sexy costumes (click on the link at the end of the entry, then ENTER to see what the male horses wore), and even more shy about the scars that cover my legs which would undoubtedly be on display if I was cast.

I realized last night that all those reasons were stupid.

The horses entered and moved gracefully and beautifully across the stage, wearing their gorgeous headpieces which transformed them into the illusion of horses, and I was immediately filled with so much regret. I could have pulled off the female costumes, and the scars would've been camouflaged by fishnet thigh-high stockings. I was only half-surprised when I felt myself starting to cry. I had missed out on an absolutely INCREDIBLE opportunity for reasons I thought were valid, but were really just paralyzing fear. I was scared of being vulnerable onstage again, scared of balancing school/work and rehearsals/performances, scared of meeting new people and experiencing new things. I was just fucking scared. Of everything.

I've always been scared. I'm a scared person with a lot of fears; some rational, some irrational. There was a period in my life where I was able to push through that fear and do scary things. I made myself do scary things, and often. But now I'm right back where I started from. Looking at the audition notice for a role I'm perfect for, and turning away to hide under the covers; acting like it's no big deal that I'm chickening out. It IS a big deal. This paralyzing fear is taking over my whole life and I can't stand it anymore.

So I'm done. I want to do scary things again. I don't want to miss out on opportunities like Equus anymore. I want to believe that I can handle scary things when I need to; that in the end they'll be beneficial to me and my life. Six gorgeous humans-as-horses have inspired me to not be scared.

I started that night. I walked straight up to the director of the show and introduced myself. We've been Facebook friends for a couple years (long story as to how that happened) but I've always been too shy to meet him in person. But we finally met last night. It felt good to overcome a fear, even if it was just a small one.

I don't want to be scared anymore. So I won't.

P.S. I might go see Equus again this weekend. If you get a chance and live in the Phoenix area, SEE IT. Even if you only go for the naked people. :) It's a great show. Visit http://www.nearlynakedtheatre.org for more information about the show and this great little theater company.